My mother just arrived from former East Germany

to come live with my son and I in Los Angeles.

She left the land of the Reunited (Germany)

 and entered the Los Angeles flat lands of the

Great Divided. Gangs, Obama vs. McCain,

and white meat vs. red meat. My mother’s cultural divide in America is quite wide, wider than a tombstone in Nashville...or even an ass at Taco Bell.

 

My mother was one of those women who was set adrift by divorce in the 1970’s. She was the canary in the coal mine of traditional marriage. She gave up education, country, etc. for the job title of wife and mother and when her marriage suddenly ended, lost her identity chip to boot....along with any semblance of pension or career (or any noun that might require an accountant).  She’s one of many female refugees from the 70’s.  

 

It took years for her to reinvent herself. Not via yoga, veganism, or even a new marriage, but through sheer patience. Now in her 70’s, still hustling for language jobs in a medieval town in former East Germany (coincidentally the one my father escaped from), I encouraged her to join us and enjoy her later years in the land that time forgot (that’s right, we’re talking plastic surgery).

 

Having returned to the New World, my mother needs to adjust her references to make sense of this new life. Of course, we will still be eating meat and hiking, but there are some things that must be noted.

 

Lesson #1: How to spot a gang member. Here are the rules. Hardly the romantic John Dillingers of old, spot the white knee highs, imprinted street names on their necks and if you see them fighting over territories, like toddlers over donuts, bingo, you’ve got yourself a gang member.

 

Lesson #2: When you see a white truck playing the theme from the Godfather, it is not the Good Humor man. This is a taco truck. It’s a good time to shout out “carnitas por favor”!

 

And lastly, don’t freak out when there are huge clouds of smoke hovering over the neighborhood. California is biblical by design; you’ve got your quakes, burning bushes, landslides, and that Sodom and Gomorrah called Hollywood. Smile with your big pearly whites - This is just another sunny day in god’s eternal playground.

 

Wilkommen...